Citizen Mom

Peaches, and peaches

Two wildly unrelated things about the velveteen fruit today:

First, the New Jersey peaches are in full flush now, and with more than 100 varieties grown here, there's plenty to keep you cooking, canning and cobblering for weeks. This tree was picked this afternoon, a few hours after I snapped this.

 

This Sunday, you can feast on some peaches in their own neighborhood, at blueplate's Dinner in the Orchard event at Holtzhauser's farm here in Mullica Hill. Chef Jim's peach-centric menu will feature Flaming Fury and white donut varieties. Can I get a Yum? Yes, yes I can.

Regarding a peach of a very different kind: After much consideration, I've decided that the evolutionary point at which Lady Gaga went from Stefani Germanotta, dark-haired piano songstress, to platinum blond art freak had to come sometime during Peaches' 2006 tour.

Here's my report on Peaches' Nov. 25, 2006 show, from Phawker:

It warmed the cockles of me heart to see the way Peaches worked the Troc crowd into a sweaty horndog mess. It’s good for the kids to try new things.

She’s got a guitar stance like Gene Simmons, wide-legged and cocky, setting forth on the “Teaches of Peaches,” scaling the speakers and lap-dancing a few stoners up in the balcony. That was cool, but nothing I haven’t seen before. Where Peaches made me her bitch was when they brought out the bike — one of those ’70s chumpies with the banana seat and the big U-shaped handlebars. So hot.

Sounds a lot like a Lady Gaga thing, no? Well, it looked a lot like one, too, right down to the spewing blood. I'm not hating, I just think it's important to remember that before GaGa was bluffin' with her muffin, we were impeaching someone's bush. Like the song says, the girls wanna be her. (Video probably NSFW)

Peaches, "Boys Wanna Be Her"

'Is Cindy McCain Wearing Kermit The Frog?'

First thought, the morning after? I'm struck by how scornful Sarah Palin was of community service as a means of service to country -- especially after the RNC has featured so many earnest community groups paraded through the XCel Center to tell about how their group serves and helps folks, with no government funding. Tacky.

Also, I've sold stuff on eBay. Can I be president?

***

Trust me, folks, the discourse is elevated above cheap fashion jokes in my IM play-by-play of Sarah Palin's speech at the RNC tonight. Or at least it was, until she started started talking shit, going from Hockey Mom to Mockey Mom in seconds flat. After that, it was every moose for himself.

PHAWKER: A Pitbull In Lipstick

PEREZ: Hot tranny etc.etc.

AP Photo

If You Give A HockeyMom A Shotgun

Well, the boy has new sneakers, a fresh haircut, a new backpack and lunch box, and the fridge is stocked with fixins -- it must be the Night Before The First Day Of School! Will he sleep tonight? Will I?

Later this evening, I'll be Twittering AND doing the whole IM thing with Valania during the Sarah Palin (codename: Mooseburger) speech at the Republican National Convention. I may try to go Full Palin, and actually gestate and give birth to a child during this evening's convention program. Only if I get the dinner dishes finished in time, though.

I hope the RNC does better by her than they did by last night's speakers, with that horrible sky-and-flag background that made the speaker look small and lost. Irony?

TOO MUCH IS NEVER ENOUGH: Hillary At DNC08

In which Citizen Mom and Jonathan Valania throw it down during Hillary Clinton's convention speech. Read the full transcript, including gratuitous one-liners about the Montana governor's bolo tie, on Phawker.

RELATED: How MSM shitbirds deliberately concocted an anti-Hillary narrative 

10:36 PM AZQ: HRC video starting now

10:37 PM JV: Van Clinton

 AZQ: “she was able to play with the boys and yet earn their respect”

10:38 PM Amy Poehler!

 JV: funny I don’t remember her rocking this hard on the campaign trail

10:39 PM one tough American cookie

 AZQ: usually cookies get tough by overmixing

 oh wait, she doesn’t bake cookies

10:40 PM

 JV: who is that guy?

 oh the NOMINEE

 right right

 I remember him

 AZQ: Yeah the poor guy gets no attention

 It’s sad how the media just won’t let him IN

10:41 PM JV: they gotta cut down on Chelsea’s doggie downers

maybe ‘doggie’ was a poor word choice

AZQ: Really good video

JV: yeah, can’t wait for the live album!

 AZQ: Oh there’s Chelsea

 Shit, I wish she’d turn to the side a little bit so I could see if those are Louboutins

10:42 PM What song is that?

 
JV: Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong?

 AZQ: Nice suit but I don’t like the monochromatic look

 Orange is the new black

 JV: why Orange

 hard not to look like pumpkin

10:43 PM Citizen: LOVE those Hillary script signs

 JV: but I think she is pulling off

 Citizen: Perfect color for not-quite-fall

 Now, watch. She’s standing there getting the same applause others got but will be criticized for trying to steal the limelight

 JV: ah, the point to nobody in the crowd and say hello

10:44 PM always looks good on TV

 AZQ: Awwwwwww, Bill is mouthing “I love you, I love you”

 teh luvz

 JV: are you sure that was to Hillary?

 ZING

 AZQ: No, it was to me, fool

10:45 PM All day it’s been “what does she need to say”
 AZQ: Here’s what: “Proud supporter of Barack Obama.”

 “OK, G’nnight follks!”

10:46 PM JV: you see the look Michelle just shot her

 AZQShe needs to directly address her supporters who are thinking of voting for McCain

 JV: good start

 keep it goin

10:47 PM AZQ: Seriously the Cspan cameras keep cutting away to Michelle Obama to see if she’s going to give Hillary the “bitch please” look

10:48 PM No way, no how, no McCain

 “Barack Obama is my candidate and he must be our president.”

 ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

 I hear she’s having it embroidered on the back of a jean jacket so you people can see it all the time 

"Bill Clinton is the most loved Democrat in Philadelphia so whatever he says is alright with everybody."*

I've been receiving reports from some of the city's Democratic Ward Leaders, who gathered today to hear a pitch from former President Bill Clinton on behalf of his wife in anticipation of Pennsylvania's April 22 primary.

According to sources who just left the meeting, attended by Mayor Nutter and U.S. Rep. Allyson Schwartz, both of whom have publicly endorsed Hillary Clinton, the former president gave a passionate pitch for his wife's candidacy for president, but ward leaders voted to defer making an official endorsement until they have a chance to hear from both candidates in person.

Fifth District Ward Leader Michael Boyle, who represents parts of Center City, said Sens. Obama and Clinton will be invited to address the city Dems' Jefferson-Jackson Day Dinner, to be held April 14.

"I think the plan is to invite the both of them, and I think the thinking is that they should both be there," Boyle said after the meeting.

Obama's pitchman today was U.S. Rep. Patrick Murphy, who, like Pres. Clinton, fielded questions from the assembled ward leaders, many of whom sported buttons advertising their support for Obama or Clinton. "There was a question about will (Obama) man up when the right-wing attack machine goes up against him," said one ward leader, who asked not to be identified by name but described himself as "an Obama guy."

Boyle said it's a legitimate question for both candidates, but he thinks either will be up for it. "Republicans are going to scare people, which is what they do best," he said.

Still, despite the hard sell from both candidates' camps -- nobody's losing sight of November. "No matter who wins (the nomination), everybody in that room is going to be 150 percent behind them," one ward leader said. "There's nobody who doesn't like both of them, and everybody at the end of the day is going to be on the same team."

One Democratic committeeman, who was not at the meeting today, echoed that: "Oh, I hate Hillary, but I am what I am, so . . . "

At the meeting, U.S. Rep. Bob Brady, head of the city's Democratic Committee, described himself as a superdelegate who remains uncommitted to either Obama or Clinton.

* from that 'Obama guy' ward leader

RELATED: The Sissyness Of Hope?

Out Of The Cesspool, Into The Bag

So this is supposed to be a post about Snoop Dogg, revolving on his endearing "Larry King Live" appearance this week, and how I think "Sensual Seduction" is his masterpiece. But really, it's going to be about our man JW, who's been crackin' it off lately.

First, there's the whole Vampire Weekend thing -- I've known Warminsky a long time and have rarely seen such instant disdain not just for a band's sound but their whole atmosphere. God forbid they ever do a record with Arcade Fire, I think he'd actually self-immolate.

My own thoughts on the "Upper West Side Soweto": Decent live show --  I saw them last summer at Johnny Brenda's (with RaRa Riot and Tokyo Police Club, who have a new record coming). Overall,  an interesting and distinctive sound, but the record gets tiresome after a while. Listen to it on shuffle.

Take, for instance, "Mansard Roof." Excellent song, danceable and bright and not really like anything else you're hearing. But watch the video and tell that by the end of it, you don't want to smack at least one of them. Like, you know that boat belongs to one of their parents.

Over on Black Plastic Bag, JW wonders at the vast reach of the Appolonia/Vanity fashion aesthetic vis a vis "Project Runway" and "Sensual Seduction." I don't watch PR, but in re: Snoop,  the real genius moment isn't even the singing, because he doesn't do it well, but the way he references Paul Hardcastle's "Rainforest" without actually sampling.

PHAWKER: Vampire Weekend at the FU Church

RELATED: Snoop n' Lar, eating chicken and waffles

PREVIOUSLY: Where The Fury Began -- CM's Review of TPC + VW at JB's

Seriously, Don't Encourage Them

From Today's Metro, where Quizzomeister Johnny Goodtimes holds forth on some Philly wrestling matches he'd like to see:

Philebrity founder Joey Sweeney vs. Phawker founder Jonathan Valania in a Hipster Death Match: This match disappoints promoters, as the hipsters think that this whole idea is “lame” and, after entering the ring, just exchange shrugs and discuss some crappy band.

Actually, I'm pretty confident that any fight between those two would involve some girlie slapping,  soft weeping, a blurry Photobucket slideshow and at least one smoke break. And the entire evening ends with Jill and Ruthie ditching them to go for drinks.

The Amy Winehouse Object Lesson Guide To Pop Stardom

Today's Lesson: If you can at all avoid it, try not to call the audience "monkey cunts."

From the BBC:

Amy Winehouse [not pictured, tho we're starting to like Lily Allen's version better] was booed by fans as she delivered a shambolic set on the first  night of her UK tour in Birmingham. The singer also dedicated a song to her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, who is being held on remand pending charges including GBH. During the show, the 24-year-old told the crowd: "To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

Shortly after the show ended, one disgruntled concertgoer described the "shambolic" performance to PerezHilton.com thusly:

In short, she was fucking terrible. She was very very drunk, she made various rambling references to her ‘husband’ (even going as far to threaten audience members who booed with him) and worst of all, it looked like she was wearing those bloody ballet pumps again. Many audience members booed, and people were continually walking out. She referred to us as ‘monkey cunts’ at one point, and she forgot the words to most of her songs.

PEREZHILTON.COM: Wino Fans Finally Ask The Musical Question, "What Kind Of Fuckery Is This?"

Insta-Review: Five Things You Should Know About Art Brut + The Hold Steady @ The Fillmore/TLA Last Night

1. Eddie Argos reminds me of a guy I once dated, whose nickname was Eddie the Fish Man. (He ran a fish store in the long-gone Manayunk Farmer’s Market. Of course.) And speaking of fish, there was definitely something “off” about the fish taco I ate before the show, which explains why this review wasn’t written directly after. Retch!

2. Argos’ hyper-articulate English frat boy thing usually gets all the attention — and not without reason, ’cause dude’s a party mammal, whether he’s onstage baring his beer belly or hip-deep in the crowd — but their songs really hang on the hip-shaking bass and drums.

3. The Hold Steady’s songs are like Springsteen for a world that frankly doesn’t always have the time for a 7-minute anthem: Don’t bore us, get to the chorus. Yesterday afternoon, Craig Finn talked to Jim McGuinn about playing “Rosalita” onstage with the Boss, and how he’d influenced the band’s sounds and songwriting. I’m not sure I can see The Hold Steady ever being an arena show band, but like Bruce, Finn’s voice has a way of invoking achy feelings and the epic of American youth.

4. Not sure whether this is attributable to The Summer That Wouldn’t Die making people all nutty, or just the utter dudeness of an Art Brut-The Hold Steady matchup, but the menfolk down in front were a clothes-grabbing mass of shouted lyrics, white-guy dancing and splashing beer. God love ‘em.

5. If you’re a single gal reading this in any of the other cities on this tour, listen to Yr Mother: Slap on something cute and get thee to this show. Trust me, my girls, the odds will be in your favor.

Photo by Jonathan Valania

SOAP OPERA: Because Big Sisters Aren't Just There To Loan You Clothes

Can a commercial, through sheer innovation and noble message, exceed its own status as a cheap marketing tool and become art? Or at the very least an important, buzz-worthy cultural artifact? "Onslaught," Dove's latest advert-cum-girlpower call to arms, sure gives it the old college try. It's the follow-up to the legendarily creepy "Evolution," which showed how an average-looking model is transformed, through the magic of beauty products and Photoshop, into a diva staring imperiously from a billboard ad.

Like its sister video, "Onslaught" isn't meant for the TV airwaves, aside from snippets in the TV news stories you'll see once it seeps that far into the mainstream. Both films were made by something called the "Dove Self Esteem Fund," which smacks a bit of "scholarship competition," but thankfully, only a little bit. (I'm totally getting the "My Beauty Rocks!" iron-ons!) Still, its overall message -- that the "beauty industry" is coming for your little girls, and the other women in their lives can help them find ways to feel good about themselves which don't include plucking, waxing, injecting, starving or otherwise manipulating our bodies -- is delivered, helped along by decent music (Simian's "La Breeze").

The video is clearly meant not for girls, but for the older women whose actions and attitudes about our own bodies leave fingerprints on theirs -- and who, not coincidentally, buy the soap. It's important not to forget that as powerful as the video is -- and it is, horrifyingly so -- the goal is not really to save your daughters or to make you feel good about yourself, it's to steer you toward Dove products next time you go down the Health and Beauty Aides Aisle. Soap is essentially soap, and people buy it for reasons other than the fact that it cleans better than another brand. You select it from the two dozen other equally adequate soaps because because you have a coupon for it, or because you like the little scratchy bits of oatmeal, or because you think Irish cable-knit sweaters are sexy, or because it gives you a vaguely good feeling about yourself.

Still, Dove hasn't ever really advertised itself as something that will make you more beautiful, just more possessing of baby-soft skin, though there are plenty of folks willing to call parent company Unilever a bunch of hypocrites. I'm over that.

Watching "Onslaught" again this morning, I kept thinking about another girl, roughly the same age as the strawberry-blond tween in the video, whom I'd seen on CNN about an hour before. This girl had been beaten up in a middle-school bathroom by the Mean Girl On Campus, while another one filmed the attack and promptly posted it on YouTube. Sitting next to the victim as she told the Tony Harris what happened was her big sister, there not so much to stick up for the girl but to be next to her while she stuck up for herself. That leaves fingerprints, too.

[from Phawker]