This is the post where I talk about how parenting is the biggest, most challenging job in the world, and how at times I wonder if I'm up to the task.
It's the one where I remind myself that "it's not about me," that the difficulties my incredible son will face are not somehow my fault, the result of shoddy parenting by a lazy, self-interested, unworthy woman.
The one where I tell you about the last few weeks, and how the anxiety made thoughts rage around in my head but left me unable to express them. About how I became fixated on buying curtains and drapes for all the windows, telling myself we need them to block the cold air but really wanting them to block out the world outside.
Look, I can't speak for parenting girls, since I've never done it. But raising up a boy? It's an assignment fraught with intrigue, danger, and a ponderous responsibility. From time to time it occurs to me that we're raising someone's husband here. And since, as the saying goes, you can tell everything about a man by how he treats his mother, if he grows up to be an asshole it's at least some reflection on me. As a result, I've felt the need to be fairly strict with Jack when it comes to manners, being polite, asking for things, waiting your turn (still working on this one), calling adults "Mr." and "Mrs." Not being a jerk.
This was all well and good in the early years, when I was there to remind Jack to say please, to wait his turn, to chew with his mouth closed. The problem is that eventually the kid has to go to school. The goal, of course, is that he'll remember all the rules we've taught him and why it's not OK to cross-check the kid next to you on the way to your cubbies.
Suffice to say, it doesn't always go quite so smoothly as one might hope. In times like this, I become unable to think beyond my household, the laundry pile, and when to release Jack's favorite game from Toy Jail.
So that's where I've been, cowering under the blanket of hearth and home, trying to refine my approach, clarify my thoughts and Get Over Myself.
How have you all been?